Leaving Catholicism behind
Leaving catholicism behind was a mind shattering experience.
Photo Credit: @yourstruly.nostalgia on Instagram.
Jhamesha sitting on a balcony facing the Experimental Farm, staring into the distance.
I was in my early 20's, sitting on my bed scrolling through my phone when I came across resurfaced content regarding Canadian residential school survivors, and I started questioning my religion.
As a child, I never went to church religiously, but faith always surrounded me through family, school and friends.
I was baptized, did my first communion and got confirmed. At the time, it was more of a tradition than devotion. It was just part of growing up.
When the COVID-19 pandemic began and we had nothing to do but sit on our phones, there came along resurfaced news of residential schools and unmarked graves, shedding more light on the involvement of the Catholic church.
I was shocked. How could this be?
On July 25 2022, former head of the Catholic church, Pope Francis, met with Indigenous communities at Our Lady of Seven Sorrows Catholic Church in Maskwacis, near Edmonton to deliver apologies to the survivors and their descendants.
Many don’t like the truth. It can be ugly. Hence why most live by the statement, “ignorance is bliss." No matter how much pain it caused me, keeping me up at night with troubled thoughts, I had to fight to not let it consume me. I chose to grow beyond it, and that's when my real awakening began.
The inner conflict
The pandemic up until recently was a huge period of self-discovery. I questioned my relationship with God, religion, the meaning of life and everything else that involves self. Ultimately, I realized I could never know everything, even if I really wanted to.
Navigating these concepts has its own processes that everyone steers through differently. In my case, I knew that I had a lot of learning, unlearning and growing to do.
Setting aside my illusion of what religion is supposed to be, my relationship with God and many other things, I decided it was time to start doing the work. It was a silent battle I faced as a 20-year-old adult that ignited my journey of introspection.
I quickly realized that the rabbit holes were useful, but in retrospect, I was obsessed and grew resentment for the church and many other things around me, leading to an unhealthy state of mind.
My grade school best friend, Marianne Mbassegue, saw me go through it all. She believes I'm still finding myself and trying to deconstruct the conflictions Catholicism brought me.
"I think you truly see the man-made constructs of the world, not only in religion, but in every aspect of life, and how religions were used as devices of control. That bothers you," said Marianne.
Tuning in to myself
Praying doesn't look much different now, but I associate it more with meditating, talking to myself and thinking. Instead of speaking to Jesus the man above, I speak directly to the Creator, the Universe, God, who is within me.
Understanding what religion was kind of blew my mind because, according to Google, religion is simply put, a group of people who collectively share the same beliefs. I read the definition thinking, that's all it is?
Life coach and educator Wyeth Austin says, "It would be foolish to assume that one religion or one specific set of principles is the only proper way to do so. This way of thinking shrinks your circle and drives separateness and division within humanity."
I deeply harmonize with Austin's ideas, and that is ultimately why I separated myself from religion entirely.
It was truly freeing in my perspective.
Some may argue that aside from power, land and territory, religion is the cause of many wars, such as the Crusades, and many other wars over thousands of years of history.
Letting go of Catholicism was not about letting go of faith. It was about reclaiming my own power. Walking away didn't leave an empty space, but actually made room for me to hear myself clearly for the first time.
I stopped forcing beliefs handed to me even beyond religion and started connecting with things I naturally gravitated towards, like connecting more with nature, reading more and yoga among other spiritual practices, which helped me with so many other things relating to growth, like finding my purpose.
For a long time, I did not believe I was meant to be a journalist but, my self-discovery journey led me here and I've never felt like I belonged more. This experience also allowed me to become very comfortable with myself, my skin and my insecurities. I like to think of myself as an alchemist, where I turn everything sent to destroy me, into light and gold.
This rebirth allowed me to heal myself in ways I never knew could be possible, while realizing that the healing journey is not linear, it is just that, a journey.
My spirituality comes from within, without being confined to a system that never reflected who I wanted to be. I don't feel guilty for questioning, searching and changing. I feel more aligned than ever.
